- "Please - don't hurt me! I'll do anything you say - I swear!"
- ―Bert Whither to Crypto
Bert Whither was a television broadcaster who people looked up to. His most important role in Destroy All Humans! was broadcasting a message that revealed Majestic's presence and told people that the Furons wanted to "defend all humans". Later in the game, Bert served as an informant of sorts to Crypto.
"SMCBS will bring you further news as it unfolds. Good day, John and Jane America, from north to south, from sea to shining sea. This is Bert Whither, coming to you live from a secure SMCBS studio at an undisclosed location of America's sunshine capital, Santa Modesta, with a special news bulletin. For years, America has been a beacon of hope to the world. But today comes disturbing proof: our very way of life is under attack! Our great nation devoured from within by a malignant tumor of corruption! Yes, you heard it here first. The very heart of power in the United States of America is now cancerous! Its malevolent might, bent to a crooked will! The insidious nature of this cancer, right after a word from our sponsor. Unease sweeps the country like a fever! Police flout civil liberties, arrest people without cause, even brazenly engage in criminal and unconstitutional behavior! I have here a secret affidavit, signed by the chief of the Santa Modesta police department, attesting not only to the existence of these abuses, but to their orchestration by an agency of our own federal government! Up to now, many Americans believed such a thing could never happen here in the land of liberty. But happen it has! More to come, after these commercial messages. The federal agency behind the new terror on our streets, the terror of cops gone bad! But if power is corrupt, what of the government responsible? SMCBS has acquired extensive documentary footage: shadowy agents in reasonably-priced black suits in Rockwell, Santa Modesta, even Capitol City, shown here abducting innocent citizens in unmarked black sedans! No arrest records exist, yet to date, over eleven hundred people have disappeared, their families kept in the dark, and still the U.S. government remains silent! It refuses to acknowledge these abductions ever took place! Why has our government deserted us?! Stay tuned! We have only a few moments until the army destroys our building. They're deploying tanks and-- Good Lord, giant robots! We cannot survive for long! But in these moments, I want to share a new hope. SMCBS correspondents have uncovered something incredible! For the first time in history, proof that an alien race has visited Earth, and apparently, repeated attempts to communicate their message, to "befriend all humans". Tragically, these gentle, intelligent creatures are being systematically exterminated by government agencies. Are these interstellar ambassadors our last hope for a peaceful human future? Could they help us take back America?! May providence smile upon us all! This is Bert Whither saying goodbye!"
- In his brief line of dialogue and speech on the radio, Bert Whither was voiced by Jim Ward.
- If Bert was holobobed, Crypto took the alternate form of the Mayor (with grey hair and a mustache). However if he was scanned, Bert's thoughts were the same as the Urban Male.